Kill the Beast

Sports, Politics and Entertainment

 

Sunday, May 25^th, 2008

Politics

 

What is the Democratic Party thinking this election year? At a time when the United States presidency is all but assured for the Democrats, the incumbent president is feared and hated from Alaska to Argentina and the vice-president is so demonized he didn’t even bother to make a bid for the Republican candidacy, why, oh why do the Democrats not run an old white guy?

Barack Obama certainly feels like the candidate of hope, as he has proclaimed himself. In particular, his views on the current state of American industry are progressive and forward thinking. In places like Detroit and Pittsburgh, the old established automobile manufacturers are witnessing the end of an era. Really the beginning of the end was over twenty years ago when Japanese manufacturers such as Honda virtually took over the industry with more reliable and fuel efficient vehicles. You’d have to be crazy and high on refrigerator lubricant to argue that Chevy, Ford or Dodge make  better compact family sedans than does Honda. So Obama is spot on when he says that the industrial heartland of the Midwest must shift its focus to producing the green technologies of the future. Obama’s policies are sound. But he looks like a Black Man. While this observation is inherently racist and has next to nothing to do with Obama’s policies or leadership abilities, in a country where the majority of the people are heavily prejudice against black people, it would be folly to regard race as insignificant. As the results of primary elections in predominantly white states such as Pennsylvania and New Hampshire have demonstrated, Barack Obama will have a hard time persuading middle and upper class Americans (white people) to vote for him, no matter how right his policies may be.

Hillary Clinton is an old school politician. She knows the ropes. Her policies are not nearly as explicitly progressive as Obama’s, but she has the track record from her work at all levels of government to convince anyone she is an able leader and qualified candidate. However, like Obama, her physical characteristics are more important than her policies or qualifications. She is, obviously, female. And although she is not a self-proclaimed feminist, nor radical to that end in any way, to people who are wary of feminists, being female is all that’s necessary to justify caution or outright abhorrence. And while we might agree that comments about her shrill voice or marital history are essentially sexist, to call the average white male voter a sexist will hardly change his mind.

Both Clinton and Obama have progressive policies and proven leadership qualifications. But they both carry with them insurmountable distractions attached to the bodies they were born into. It is wrong to hold these distractions against them. But, as we well know, winning the presidency rarely has much to do with right or wrong. The Democrats have every opportunity to reclaim the White House this year, but seem to content to risk it with a candidate who will almost certainly alienate a great many voters. Exit polls continue to show that people are basing their decisions on race and gender. In an election they are all but sure to win, the Democrats are taking an awful risk fielding a candidate who won’t be white and male as every other president in history has been.

-Fritz Kenwood

 

 

Sports

           

The Detroit Red Wings, the President’s Trophy winners, have rolled into the finals this year and their opponents, the Pittsburgh Penguins, second in the Eastern Conference in the regular season, dominated every playoff opponent as well. Even better, both cities are home to fans that actually noticed as neither team hails from a region that hasn’t seen snow since the last ice age.

Ever since the California Golden Seals brought pro-hockey to the southern states, the awful specter of a city with literally no annual snowfall or collective interest in the sport capturing a cup has always loomed over the National Hockey League. It happened for the first time in 1999 when the Dallas Stars beat the poor Buffalo Sabres. Minnesota is a city that loves hockey but couldn’t afford a professional team. So Mike Modano, perhaps the greatest American player of all time, was forced to win his championship in a city full of people who were only mildly interested in the team’s fortunes. There were certainly no riots and it is doubtful there was even a parade.

Hockey fans were spared another southern victory until 2004, when the Tampa Bay Lighting beat the Calgary Flames. Now, Tampa has had a franchise since the early nineties when they entered the league along with the Ottawa Senators. They essentially sold tickets to Canadians vacationing in Florida looking for a little northern style entertainment. And this was fine for the first decade of their existence as they were perennially terrible and didn’t take up a valuable post-season position. But by 2004, they had built up relatively young and talented team led by Canadian all-stars Martin St. Louis, Vincent Lecavalier and Brad Richards. This was and is a travesty. These are some of the most exciting players in the world, but their most glorious moment came in front of a crowd that was as lukewarm as the Caribbean Sea.

After the lockout of ’04 – ’05, the Cup would be captured by a city filled with puck apathy twice again. Sure, Carolina cheered loudly for their Hurricanes at game time. But just imagine if the Hurricanes were still the Whalers from Hartford, Connecticut, where the ponds actually ice over and where Mr. Hockey himself, Gordie Howe, once briefly played. Surely, at the very least, the victory would have felt as though it had capped off a long tradition of hockey history in a place with a large contingent of long time fans. Instead, even the most rabid of Carolina fans were more concerned with the next NASCAR event than they were with the Hurricanes’ championship.

The Anaheim Ducks may have dropped the “Mighty” tag from their name, thrown out the old purple jerseys and changed ownership, but in 2007, they still felt like Team Disney. What’s more to be said? They won. No one cared but the players and maybe the fans at the game. Many fans didn’t bother to stick around for the whole post-game celebration. And why would they? Most probably couldn’t have named the team captain.

The Lions and the Steelers might get more attention than they hockey teams in Detroit and Pittsburgh respectively, but at least both teams have history and fans who remember it. And it’s the fans’ interest that really determines whether any given game is great and glorious or just a bunch of guys skating around on a Saturday night late in the springtime.

-Christopher Alberta

 

Horoscopes

 

Aries: Don’t eat any chicken this week. It could turn your guts in marshmallow batter and your brains in sourdough.

 

Taurus: Stepping on the cracks in the pavement won’t really break your mother’s back so don’t worry about it.

 

Gemini: Watch out for confusing road signs. Pay attention to the map and check your compass often.

 

Cancer: A funny limerick will make you smile this week. Rap music is the devil’s flute.

 

Leo: Roar like jet engines in the morning. Sleep like a tranquilized elephant in the evening. This is balance.

 

Virgo: Get laid this week. Or go to Hawaii. Either way it’s guaranteed. (Disclaimer: this is not a guarantee.)

 

Libra: Fishing season doesn’t come until the fall. There’s no point in fishing in an empty river so you might as well go rollerblading this week.

 

Scorpio: Everyone’s only watching when you make enough noise to get their attention. Shut up and they’ll look away, if that’s what you want (probably not)

 

Sagittarius: Keep it complicated. Simplicity is for the birds (or is it for the squirrels. I can never remember these sorts of things).

 

Capricorn: Eat heartily in times of plenty, spend sparingly in times of scarcity. (Duh)

 

Aquarius: Count your tips closely. You can’t be too careful when it comes to protecting yourself from rip-offs.

 

Pisces: What’s the point? There is none. Get used to it or go insane. It’s your choice.