Kill the Beast

Sports, Politics and Entertainment

 

Sunday, June 8, 2008

 

Politics

Obama Wins Democratic Nomination –Fritz Kenwood

            The race is over. Start the sex. Or maybe that’s premature. One thing is for certain: history will never be the same. Since Abraham Lincoln first made the emancipation proclamation to hasten the end of the Civil War, this election has been in the making. Soon after the civil war, African-American politicians began to gain a voice in American government and this week’s democratic nomination is just a logical evolution of something that began in the late nineteenth century. Although Obama is not a descendent of slaves, the simple fact that a person of colour is to run for the presidency of the United States is a great milestone in achieving truth to the statement that “all men are created equal”.

            This achievement does not come in a time of enlightened peace, but rather, bitter and seemingly endless conflict and terrifying uncertainty. The United States is at a crossroads. It’s no longer the beginning of the twentieth century, when the U.S. was slowly but surely taking control of the global economy form the old bastions of power in Europe. By mid-century, after two devastating European wars on which U.S. industry thrived, Washington was one of two centers of power in the world. When the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics collapsed in the nineteen eighties, U.S. hegemony seemed a foregone conclusion. American corporations and American industry dominated all global commerce. However, it seems that without an enemy to balance its power against, America cannot sustain its once meteoric rise to its position as the greatest nation of all history.

            Almost a decade into the twenty-first century, the U.S. has seen a sharp decline, not only in its military dominance, but more shockingly, its soft power influences. Economically, the U.S. dollar has been steadily drooping against world currencies. Politically, the U.S. is seen around the world as the bully and now, with the war in Iraq sapping all its military strength, a fairly impotent bully. Moreover, the U.S. is literally running out of gas, as the cost of fuel to transport people and goods throughout the vast nation is spiraling out of control.

            President Obama will come into this mess with few positives, but he certainly seems prepared for the challenge. He has talked about revitalizing places like Detroit, where the collapse of the American auto-industry has virtually dried up the heartland of the American behemoth. Obama also seems to bring a California mentality to the White House, with plans to pursue and promote green initiatives. He appears to recognize the need to re-invent the system if it is to survive the trials of the new millennium. Hopefully he is not a phony and indeed has concrete answers. And hopefully, if he does have such answers, he will get an opportunity to enact them. An African-American is in position to take control of the country just when it seems ready to break apart into factions and re-start the battle which, almost a century and a half ago, freed the slaves in the first place.

 

 

Sports

Turn up the Pigskin –Christopher Alberta

            Here we are, another spring is beginning, the National Hockey League is done for the summer, and the Canadian Football League is nowhere to be found. Now, far be it for the average fan to suggest to the commissioner how to run the league, but we are flipping through the channels looking for some sport to entertain us this weekend. At the top of the list is the Women’s Tennis Final at the French Open. And even that is hardly worth watching without the Slavic Screamer, Maria Sharapova.

            So where is the football?! It should have begun weeks ago! Major League Baseball is only popular in the States and Toronto. Montreal doesn’t care anymore and the rest of Canada never did. In Saskatoon the melons are hollowed out and ready to go. Eskimo and Stampeder fans can’t wait to crawl down on another’s throats. Ten thousand hooligans from Hastings St. to Hamilton are thirsting for some smash-mouth grid-iron action and all we have is the Blue Jays and Roger f*#king Federer!

            An earlier start to the season seems like a no-brainer since it would mean an earlier end as well. No one is arguing the Grey Cup and the CFL playoffs would attract less interest if they were played, say, in September, before the NHL gets going and when the NFL, Canada’s second favourite sports league, has only just begun. Lets face it, by November, when the Cup is scheduled to be played every year, between hockey-mania and NFL games with playoff implications, not too many sports fans have the time for three-down football. So next June, turn up the pig skin and turn down the suck!

 

Feature

A Scientific Evolutionary Creation Myth –Plato Van Winklesurfer

            A long time ago somewhere that wasn’t here, one guy asked another where everything came from. The guy replied: “First, there was nothing. Then there was the Sun. The Sun trapped the planets and spun them around at different speeds and distances depending on how heavy they were. The ones that were farther away held onto huge clouds of gas. The closer planets had most of their gas blown away by solar wind.

            “The planet Earth was just the right temperature for H20 to exist as a liquid and for slime to grow on the wet rocks. Soon there were microbes that ate the slime and then bigger microbes to eat the other microbes. Soon the microbes were huge and turned into underwater insects. Eventually the insects got bigger and were crustaceans and fish. Meanwhile, slime had become algae and then seaweed and then land weed. The bugs had spread to the land, and the fish chased after them turning into amphibians and then into reptiles. After a long time, the reptiles grew feathers out of their scales and became birds. The birds became ducks, which became platypuses which became beavers which were the first rodents. Beavers spawned rats which got bigger and changed into dogs, cats and pigs. Elephants came from pigs, and the elephants turned into cows and horses. Some of the dogs jumped back in the water and became seals and then whales. Cats didn’t change much and ruled the earth for a longtime.

            One day, a rodent, probably a squirrel became a monkey. Then the monkey started to walk around on the ground and became an ape. The ape became a gorilla and eventually started to use tools and became an australopithecine, a big, fierce Yeti. Once the animals had shit everywhere, fungus began to grow.

            One day, the australopithecine and its descendants learned to control fire and took over the world from the big-cats. He became homo-sapiens, first a supreme hunter-gatherer who slaughtered all the mega-fauna of Eurasia and America, then a sedentary farmer who grew crops and tamed the big mammals that were left, and finally, a master of information and technology who knows the earth better than any creature that has ever walked on it before. That is how the Sun came to have you and me as passengers on its journey across the universe.”

            The guy told his friend he was a nut bar and that he didn’t think they should hang out anymore.

 

Horoscopes

Aries: Live like a ninja, die like a professional wrestler.

 

Taurus: Watch out for offers that seem to good to be true. They usually are.

 

Gemini: Madness is no excuse for bad decisions. Clear your head before doing anything drastic.

 

Cancer: Running from problems never helped any of them. It just delays the day you have to face your fears.

 

Leo: Try to be more careful in the future. This shouldn’t be as difficult as it has been lately.

 

Virgo: Happy times are around the corner. Just hold on for a little while longer and your patience will pay off.

 

Libra: Dwelling on past mistakes is a good way to miss out on all the fun. Lighten up.

 

Scorpio: There’s never going to be a better place or a better time to cross this metaphorical river. Do it while the flow is low.

 

Sagittarius: Keep out of the way of on-coming trucks. This is no time to cross without looking.

 

Capricorn: With a head full of new ideas you are confident that any obstacle can be overcome. Make plans. Nothing is easy.

 

Aquarius: Fishing and hunting are vital skills, but not everyone is a breadwinner. Find your talent then refine it to an art.

 

Pisces: Fish wielding samurais are the bane of the Pisces. Beware and maybe, for safety’s sake, take sushi prep courses.